In the second installment of this tale of digital debauchery our hapless rube finds he needs info like a junkie needs junk… Will he fight the temptation of the mobile monkey? Find out in…

CONFESSIONS OF A CRACKBERRY FIEND

Part Two: Anger

My first stop was the Rogers kiosk in the local mall, still could not shake the dirty feeling but I was determined to have some form of link to the outside world besides filth encrusted payphones. When I found the joint all the handsets where under glass like expensive watches or some other fancy bauble and I had to ask the clerk to show me the ones that looked really shiny. I felt like I was trying to choose an engagement ring for a relationship I desperately wanted out of. The units were ridiculously overpriced and the plans for internet and email usage were extravagantly priced with no good student plans or even a decent unlimited plan. Granted all my info was coming from a blurry and dog-eared photocopy of the actual brochure. After the clerk informed me that they only had the one copy and went off to flirt with a pair of teenage girls looking at handsets under glass. The second stage came on quickly, anger, pure venom and bile, I dropped the handset on the counter and walked away.

Editor’s note: The boys in the lab have managed to recover another memo, unfortunately it took several weeks as no-one could push any of the right buttons due to atrophied fingers. The entire staff is now undergoing intense physiotherapy and electro shock treatment for acute withdrawal symptoms:

“Crapspackle”

What strange turn has my path taken, it's the things you least expect that offer the greatest shock but promise the greatest rewards.
Well so much for promise, can't even view news videos much less waste time watching cartoons, ye gods what is the point of owning one of these horrid things if you can't get some kind of online video news summary????

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry


Can this story really continue for three more installments? You read it you can’t UN-READ it!!!!

What follows is a five part account of a rational, upstanding citizens downward spiral into the depths of addiction, debauch and thumb cramps. Can isolation and information withdraw push the civilized mind to madness? Read and find out in…

CONFESSIONS OF A CRACKBERRY FEIND

Part One: Denial


I have always looked disparagingly at the poor saps twiddling away at miniscule keyboards or blathering into oversized handsets and never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that one day I would join the ranks of these crackberry fiends. My indoctrination into the ranks of the thumb-typing horde came out of desperation pure and simple, the only choice I had was which cell phone provider I would beholden to for the next three years. The reason I was in the unheard of situation of being without phone and internet service was because of the ineptitude and all around shabbiness of Bell Canada and its (service) agents, so going to them for more mind polluting “customer service.”

Choosing a cell phone service provider is like choosing your executioner and your mode of execution, whatever choice you make it’ll turn out badly and you’ll always think you made the right choice right up until the very last moment. In my case it wasn’t so much the executioner that confounded me but the way I would get done in, I knew absolutely nothing about cell phones, data devices, PDA’s or smart phones other than the fact I considered them a blight on society. I started to think of the shrieking plastic abominations as tools, something to be used and exploited to my own ends, I was in the first stage of my impending execution, denial. I still felt like some kind of degenerate junkie when I asked to have a closer look at any of the “merchandise” and I disliked the feeling immensely.

Editors note: From a micro SD card found in puddle of urine along fragments of smashed plastic and glass , that our experts inform me was once a Blackberry Curve smart phone, we have managed to reconstruct the following memo. Spelling and grammar errors have been preserved for continuity:

“No rest for the restless”

So 3 pm and a few things done on the to do list, but still no real dazzling revelation that this small plastic brick is somthing I cannot live without. It is mediocre as a phone and lackluster as a web browsing tool, email is its only good point and that involves becoming proficent at typeing with this lilputian keyboard, yeesh.

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry